Bearded Hipster (squinting sceptically): Maybe. I'm not sure.
M: I know. Are you a mate of Andy's? Did we meet at his party in Maida Vale?
BH: No. The Andy I know lives in Dartford. I hardly even know him. He's a nasty piece of work.
M: Yeah. I hardly know Andy either.
BH: No. I don't really know either Andy.
M: Or any Andy.
BH: Well, there's an Andy that I know of. But he doesn't sound the same as yours.
M: I got it. Did you used to work at that printer's in Farringdon? The night shift back in '99?
BH: No. You'd never have met me there. Did you used to go out with a girl called Samantha whose brother said he knew The Bluetones?
M: The Bluetones?
BH: Yeah. The Bluetones.
M: God no. Not The Bluetones.
BH: This brother wasn't in The Bluetones. He just used to say he knew them.
M: No. I hated The Bluetones.
BH: Of course. I hated them too. Though that needn't have prevented you from knowing them.
M: But I didn't.
BH: For sure buddy. I believe you. So no Samantha then? Or her brother?
M: No Samantha then or now. I know. You're a mate of Simon's. We got drunk in his garden in Brighton and we were talking about the best moustaches.
BH: I wasn't.
M: What? There? Or drunk? Or talking?
BH: Each of the above. I don't know Simon in Brighton. And I would never discuss the best moustaches.
BH: Yeah. This is odd. You do seem kinda familiar.
M: How about this. Do you know Dan?
BH: I did. I did. I did.
M: And then what happened?
BH: Dan died.
BH: Yes. I did know Dan but he died.
M: The Dan who was with that Thandie? That's the Dan who died?
BH: No. This was the Dan with Colette.
M: And he's dead?
BH: Yeah. The Dan I used to know - he died.
M: I didn't know…
BH: I know.
M: I mean, I didn't actually know him. So I didn’t know he'd died.
BH: You couldn't have.
M: I didn't.
BH: He did though. He just died.
M: What, like, just? I'm sorry.
BH: No. It was a while back now but anyway.
M: Maybe you know James? Could we have met through him?
BH: Hmm, a bit. I do. Actually I was thinking maybe you knew James. But now you don't seem the type.
M: Oh definitely! I know James. Me and him - we're like that.
BH: You and James are like this?
M: Yeah. Me and James are like that.
BH: No way. You wouldn't want to be like this with that James. Not with this James that I know. You've gotta trust me on that.
M: I do?
BH: You should.
BH: You wouldn't want to. Trust me.
M: Okay. I got it. I do.
BH: Right. I've got it. You're Will!
M: Weird! That's just what I was thinking.
BH: That you're Will?
M: Ha. That's very funny. No. You're Will.
BH: I'm not Will.
M: Well, I'm not Will.
BH: And we didn't meet at Will's?
M: Will Wright's?
BH: No. Will Blanchard's.
M: Jesus. I don't know him.
BH: Well I don't really know him either.
M: Hmm. Can I ask you your name? Are you Marcus?
BH: No. I'm not Marcus. I'm Brendan. Could you be Toby or Saul?
M: Probably not at once. I'm not Toby or Saul. I'm Edward.
BH: Alright Ed. Nice to meet you again. Or possibly not. As the case may be.
M: Alright Brendan. Likewise.
BH: Maybe we just haven't met.
M: Maybe. But I just think we have.
BH: I think we just may have too.
M: I definitely think we have now.
BH: That's the kind of thing my ex-girlfriend used to say. I think we definitely have now. I guess she thought it was poetic.
M: Hang on. Melanie, right? Did we both used to…?
BH: I think that's highly unlikely mate. This girl was called Trudi Kokovich.
[Astonishingly, I am prepared to recite this sort of doggerel in public. Book me now for your Samuel Beckett-themed stag night, sports day or fete.]